my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
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I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.