I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
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You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
#Caturday
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️