why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Born to be mild.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”