printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
You Might Also Like
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I wish this was real life…
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I’ve been drinking.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
much to think about
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.