Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.