Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
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[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle