Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
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Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’m giving up for Lent.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.