FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.