I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
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If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”