Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
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Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Mornin
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?