i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
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[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves