I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
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It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”
“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.