@kelllicopter

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

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@Darlainky

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

@fartoothinky

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

@SinghSahaaaab

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

@AngieDavisHaha

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

@AlbertBrooks

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

@WKirkMarshall

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

@theshantilly

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

@stuckinaportal

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM