Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
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Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.