*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Important
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Every haunted house movie:
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint