When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
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Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“and how does that make you feel?”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.