How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
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you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
😏😏😏
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside