You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*