Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
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Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
sigh
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.