Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
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It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.