Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
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Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.