Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
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Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
the only organized thing in my life is crime
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.