Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Liquor Store Parking
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]