Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
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Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down