At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
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[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
his wife is probably gonna see that
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”