[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.