How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.