Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
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When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Time for evil
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?