Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”