I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
😜
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?