I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
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I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
one of
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.