I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
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*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.