6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
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Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them