Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]