Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.