My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Am getting real tired of your crap…
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed