Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
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[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak