Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
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Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”