HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
You Might Also Like
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Did…did a minotaur write this
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?