Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
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Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations