After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
You Might Also Like
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?