[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
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Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
and now we wait
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*