Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
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Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP