*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
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Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Worth the read.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”