Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
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[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
*pokes sex life with a stick
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Reporter: *ports again*
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”