When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
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Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.