You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
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