Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

If you want my opinion ask my wife

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?