[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I think my mom just blocked me
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
had to make it
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet