Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
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I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
#gardening
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda