Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
You Might Also Like
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.