If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
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i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.