look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
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BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.