Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!

Doctor: How big were its horns?

T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*

Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.