Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
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[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.